My Silence is Worth How Much?

The judge could have changed the judgment to say anything since there were no court reporters, no records, no cameras, no tracking of changes in the document, Nothing.

The judge could have held the judgment for as long as he wanted since the process has already surpassed the Supreme Court limit of 18 months. The outcome of the trial could have been much worse. But in the end, i got the parenting plan I wrote (with additional concessions), I got sole custody of my children and child support to help take care of the kids.

My old dreams were shattered. The bypass surgery on the heart of my life was horrible. The journey to get here was long and painful.

But it is over now. I divorced a narc and survived.

In the aftermath and the days following the divorce judgment, I was left in unbelief. Was it really over? Did that really happen? Was that legal? Maybe it was legal, just a terrible process?

The I received two letters in the mail. The first letter was a hard copy of the judgment identical to the document my lawyer emailed to me. Ok. It was legit and it was over. The second was a letter from my lawyers office. I thought great. Not only did I go through the horrible process, now it was time to pay. Again.

it was not a bill.

Instead, it was a letter explaining that my attorney had completed everything he could in my case and my file was closed in their office. The letter also included a check refunding me for $12. The letter stated that was the unused portion of what I paid them.

What? I paid the retainer. I had not paid one cent more than that because more the most part, I was unemployed throughout the divorce process. The bill I was not prepared to receive or pay, but was prepared to refute no longer existed.

$12. In their eyes my silence was not worth much.

Now there was really no record of what I had just experienced. They destroyed all of the evidence. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to not have to pay for the legal counsel I actually did not receive. The judgment and the emotional scars I received from pursuing said judgment are the only remaining evidence of the homicide against justice in my divorce.

But you can’t see to prove emotions. And apparently I was the only person in my divorce process able to experience and feel genuine emotions. Narcs don’t have them.

But it doesn’t matter. Because after all of the abuse. All of the lies. With all of the lessons. Without all of the fear. Filled with strength. And Hope. And Courage. And Love. And a voice to tell my story. And Freedom to cut that ribbon, to live the new life I have built and continue my journey with bigger and better dreams.

It’s OVER!!!!

 

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How Judges Get Away With Murder

I got waaay more than I bargained for in the divorce process. I wanted he abuse to end. I needed it to end. But before it did, there was a whole other level of abuse I would need to endure.

After being in an abusive marriage I had trust issues. That is to be expected. Betrayal will do that to anyone.

I expected a tough fight from the narc. I mean I knew my leaving was taking away my endless supply of love and never-ending admiration as a codependent. A narc couldn’t ask for a better narc supply really.

He thought he could convince me to stay no matter how badly he treated me.

But I did!! Thank God i did!!!

What I didn’t expect was to have my legal right to fair trail stolen from me by the hands of my own attorney and the judge.

The narc tried to force joint custody to keep me as his unwilling supply… that didn’t work.

Then he decided he would try to get sole custody of our children just to destroy me. That actually almost did work.

This is one of the reasons I feel compelled to share such a painful and personal experience. I want to stop this by warning others to learn from my victories and mistakes.

In my case, i did not want joint custody with the narc because that would keep our children in the middle of conflict throughout their childhood.

I had to fight for my children to get sole custody. Sole custody, for me, was part of severing all ties between myself and the narc. But not just sole custody.

i should have just stopped at that. But I did not.

I wanted sole custody with a parenting plan that would include a children’s bill of rights, standards of parental conduct, standards of child safety and standards of access and communication to protect my children from all forms of abuse that could and would be lashed out to my children. The common narc forms of emotional abuse such as yelling, humiliation, ignoring, name callling are expressly prohibited.

I also wanted to remove any ambiguity within the parenting by spelling out the standards of living arrangement, education, religion, medical and dental care, child care, kids activities (which was the greatest source of conflict), transportation, parenting time, holiday time, travel, discipline and reward and dispute and renegotiation of the parenting plan. The common issues that narc uses to drag the other parent back to court are clearly defined in the parenting plan.

I wanted a parenting plan that would allow the narc to be a parent to his children without him being in my life. As much as I think the narc is a terrible abusive and abrasive person, I do not believe that gives me the right to keep my children from their father.

To my children, he is not a narc, he is their father. Even if he doesn’t teach them the lessons they need to learn.

As a mother, I have to still be able to respect that. And I believe that I do.

In my case, instead of settling, the narc insisting on going to trial for sole legal and physical custody. Having sole legal custody of your children means that you are responsible for making decisions about the important things in their lives, like where they go to school, what religious instruction they receive, whether they need academic tutoring or psychological counseling, and when they go to the doctor.

Sole physical custody determines where the kids will live.

During the marriage, I was the primary caregiver for the children. I was a stay at home mom until they were old enough to attend school. Then I went back to work, but still managed everything involving the care of the children.

The narc was not involved because he did not want to be.

The children lived with me after the separation. I was prepared for the trial and had a long list of exhibits to demonstrate the facts of my case. I even had the kids school principal as a witness ready to testify that I was the only parent who handled the education matters for the children.

But the day of trial, my lawyer told me there would be no trial because the other side finally agreed to me having sole legal and physical custody.

He told me we could only go before the judge on four issues. So we did.

Then the judge sided with the narc on those four issues so that made it fair in the narc’s eyes.

After the trial, my attorney added the judges rulings and several additional modifications to the parenting plan I wrote, even things the judge did not rule on because that made it fair in his eyes.

Then I had to wait another week while the narc’s attorney made proposed modifications because that made it fair in her eyes.

I told my attorney that I was not in agreement with the modifications he made and wanted to change them. He refused.

I reached out to the managing lawyer and asked her to review my case. She reviewed  my case, but also refused to make changes to the proposal.

After a week, the proposals were dropped off with the judges clerk and I waited another week while the judge himself made further modifications to the parenting plan I wrote because that made it fair in his eyes.

Tre trial didn’t really happen since it was off the record because there was no court reporter to document the judges rulings, my witness was not allowed to testify and was escorted out of the court room when he tried to do so. Everyone was being allowed to weigh in on the parenting plan, except me, of course. And they could justify their behavior by saying that I wrote the parenting plan. The outcome of the trial, in the end, was left in the judges hands. It was not really a trial. it was more like  a public reaping.

The lies expressed to the judge were almost unbearable.

My attorney just watched.

He even spoke directly to the narc like they were old friends (or lovers). I was completely distraught after that experience.

I didn’t know if I would make it through the night. The pain and humiliation of being treated like the narc and watching the narc being treated like the abuse victim was overwhelming.

I ended up waiting two weeks after the trial before the judge entered the judgment. The judgment awarded me sole legal and physical custody and included some unfair concessions for me to handle like ordering me to take the kids to sporting events coached by the narc during my weekends with the kids.

But it was over.

I was divorced. Freed from the narc.

But the divorce process showed me how lawyers and judges can literally murder justice and people’s right to a civil divorce process or fair trial.

It was terrible.

But honestly, if I am able to share my experience and help one person reading this blog learn something to make their process better, it will be well worth the journey.

 

Remember Why You Started

Divorce is not as emotionally devastating as being in a loveless, heartless, emotionless, abusive marriage is.

Remember why you started.

I filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage for two reasons.

The narc and I had two beautiful boys together. These boys were at the age when they were learning how to treat people, how to treat respond in relationships and how they should be treated. In our household, we literally argued every single day.

About everything and nothing.

Although this was by no means my idea of a healthy environment to raise kids, that is not why I decided to get a divorce. I thought it would be a healthier home if the narc wasn’t living there, but the bottom line is I decided to get a divorce for ME.

#1 I wanted and needed the physical, emotional, financial and spiritual abuse to end permanently. I needed it to stop….all of it! And not just between us. I didn’t want my children to learn, acquire and adopt the same unhealthy and abusive ways. It had to end.

#2 I wanted and needed to resurrect my life.to live.to breathe.to feel. to hear.to experience.to taste all of the sweetness that life and love has to offer. I spend nearly half of my life in a marriage being held in contempt. I want to spend the rest of my life giving, receiving and being surrounded by love.

Love was completely missing from my life. I did not love myself and there wasn’t anyone else in my life that loved me either. No love. END OF STORY!!

I want to find someone to talk and to listen, to dream about and to wake up to. Someone to touch, to embrace and to kiss. Someone to poke fun at, to cry and to laugh with me. Someone to study, to teach and to learn from. Someone to look up to and someone who has eyes for only me. Someone to remember and never forget how to love. Someone to cook for and someone who will deserve and desire what I have to give. Someone to nurture and to protect me. Someone to release me from the loneliness of this world and to help me heal the wombs of my past. Someone to explore and travel the world. Someone to build a future with and to conquer the world. Someone to share my life with and grow old.

People often confuse compatibility with love. They are two very different things. Compatibility is the state or quality of harmonious interaction. Compatibility is agreeable. It is amicable united and conforming. Compatibility is not an emotion. It is a noun not a verb. You can be compatible with someone and not be in love at all. You can also be in love with someone you are not at all compatible with. Love is an unplanned involuntary commitment between two people. When people meet someone you are compatible with and mistake this for love, hearts are torn apart.

My marriage with the narc did not include compatibility or love. Both were absent as well. The narc needed and narc supply and I (the codependent) needed to be needed. That was the whole basis of our agreement.

The compatibility will fade because people change. Love never fades.

Compatibility is finding someone you can live with, but Love is finding someone you can’t live without!

I had to realize that I did not love myself.

Then I had to learn how to love myself before I could even begin to understand what it truly meant to love another.

Once I loved my self and learned how to receive love, then I learned how to give love. And finally I learned how to recognize other healthy people who knew how to receive and give love. In that order. This is what love yourself first means to me.

We don’t learn to love each other well in the easy moments. Anyone can be good company at a nice restaurant with good food, or while watching a good movie or a fun party. But show me the guy who can make me smile after showing up an hour late for a date. Give me the guy who can make me laugh after watching the worst movie of the year. Show me someone who could melt my heart after eating all of my french fries and I will show you someone that could win my heart and lI will love for a lifetime.

Show me someone I can still call and still care deeply for me after I have done everything imaginable to piss him off and annoyed every ounce of his being and I will know without a doubt that I have truly won a special place in his heart and he will fight to keep me there for a lifetime.

I mean… yes! Of course, I am oversimplifying it. But you get the point. It is very difficult to love the wrong person, especially when you are broken. That is what makes marriages so hard. When you know who you are, what you bring to the table and why you are at the table to begin with– sacrificing for someone you love is easy. It actually becomes harder not to.

My desire to live a life filled with love……that is what I want. That is what I deserve. That is why I started.

 

People are Not Against You, They are for Themselves

The narc, the attorneys, the judges and anyone else involved in your case, they will all be advocating for themselves.

You should be as well.

It is not your attorney’s job to get you everything you want in your divorce decree.

If this doesn’t happen (and I can tell you it won’t) the lawyer has still done their job is to get you the divorce decree.

They couldn’t care less what is in it. They do not have to live with the results, YOU DO! The divorce attorney’s job is NOT to uphold the law. In a divorce case, the law, is primarily absent. In most cases, you don’t actually break the law by being a narc, by cheating or being a terrible spouse or absent parent.

Understand what the law says in your state on these matters. Ask the attorney, do your own research, but do not assume that the attorney will volunteer this information. They won’t.

Giving you straightforward information, introducing the law into your case and removing the grey areas will eliminate opportunities for after work. It is nearly impossible to prove that an attorney was deliberately negligent in your divorce case. However, there are things you should know about what attorneys can and cannot do.

Attorneys must fulfill their fiduciary responsibility to you. Attorneys must tell you the truth when asked questions about your case. You must advocate for yourself and make sure at the very least your attorney is fulfilling this obligation. Do not let your attorney off the hook for the sake of their schedule or any other excuse. Stay engaged and involved in your case.

Do not leave it to the professionals. That’s like leaving your life in the hands of a bunch of pirates.

Attorneys cannot violate client attorney privilege. They can however, speak to the other attorney on your behalf in your absence.

Attorneys cannot stop representing you because you can’t pay. They can however, offer you subpar representation and get away with it, if you can’t prove it.

Well, what’s the difference between the two you ask….absolutely nothing.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself from the narc, the attorneys and the judge….learn the rules so that you know how each one of these people could break them every day. Advocate for yourself and for your family.

Know that narcs will commit perjury because they have lied their whole lives. Standing in a court room won’t stop this. Attorneys tell each other everything you don’t want them to. So don’t tell anything that you don’t want repeated. Now let me clarify this. I am not telling you to lie and I am NOT giving you legal advise because I am not a lawyer or trained in the law in any way. What I AM telling you is that your attorney will discuss your case with the other attorney and have discussions about how best to achieve their individual goals of the case because they are on the same team.

Police, firemen, teachers, hairdressers, you name it…… just about everyone in the service industry has a code of solidarity where they protect each other. This is not new and it is common practice. Attorneys are no different.

In my case, I knew the narc would not follow the law because in his mind he is above the law. Knowing this fact does not make it right or make it less of a pain in the neck. He also knew that I would follow the law. So of course, He used this to his advantage and stalled the case by taking the full 30 day time limit for each and every response and status.

The narc also ignored the law when it came to his actions.

  • When he was supposed to respond, he did not.
  • When he was supposed to provide financial disclosure, he did not.
  • When he was supposed to pay child support, he did not.

But don’t let that fool you into letting your guard down. Because you absolutely must follow the letter of the law. Be early or on time for every deadline. Provide every single thing you are supposed to provide. Because if you don’t, he will not let anything slide and neither will the attorney’s or the judge. Because this works in all of there favor and prolongs the case.

The attorneys get more billable hours and the judge is one step closer to being empowered to reprimand you or decide your fate and for them this does not happen every day. Most cases are settled out of court.

This is what you want…to settle out of court. Advocate for yourself and for your family!

Let sleeping bears lie. Do not let the judge decide your fate. Most judges will take the side of the narc. I mean which side would you take — the person who will say and do anything to get what they want, including making your life a living hell or your side? Exactly. This is why the narc will never lose in court.

With any relationship, listen to your gut. When you are meeting with your attorney initially and you feel like they will not fully represent you or may be biased in some way, do not ignore this. Do not hire them. Move on.

Once you have made an educated decision based on research and referrals stick with it. The most powerful weapon and truth serum in any relationship is TIME.

Pay attention to your attorney’s consistent actions over time.

That will tell you everything you need to know. Does your attorney initiate contact with you telling you pertinent information about your case? Or are you pulling information out of them. The information they provide, does it aim to resolve conflict or stir the pot? Are they trying to settle on your behalf? Do they know and are they telling you the overall strategy in your case and the position of the other side? Understand the position your attorney has taken. Are they working as the coach or quarterback, just calling plays and watching the response? Are you primarily on the offense or defense?

If you find yourself on the defense in your case, but you are the petitioner (meaning you initiated the divorce), the primary caregiver (if children are involved) or the person with more assets to divide, you are in trouble and your attorney may not be putting you in the best position to receive a favorable outcome. Find out what is going on.

Your future (and your future with your children if you have them) will depend on you knowing.

Be Committed to Your Goal But Flexible in Your Approach

When divorcing a narc, your goal is to have a final divorce that does not include continued conflict and litigation.

Your goal should be to sever all contact between you and the narc. Take a deep breathe, exhale….and just walk away.

If you agree to joint custody, the narc will make you live to regret it for the rest of your life.

If you seek maintenance, the narc will make sure the money will not be worth the chaos.

If you waive child support, the narc will make you pay him.

For me, severing all contact between myself and the narc was defined as me having sole custody of our children and scheduled parenting time for him, waiving maintenance between both of us forever and having him pay child support according to the amount indicated by law.

Yes, he could lie about his income all he wanted (and I am sure he did), but that was not a battle I was willing to engage in. Engaging in that battle would mean I actually cared about how much money the narc made, which I did not. I just wanted him to help support our children financially on a consistent basis…something I never received in the marriage.

The percent of income for child support is determined by law in my state. That was enough.

You want your life back and if you have kids you want them to be free as well. Bottom line.

The challenge with this goal is the legal system is fundamentally against this.

The legal system is created in a way where no one will get exactly what they want in the end. You can literally argue FOREVER if you are pulled into this cycle.

If your divorce was entered and you are still attending court on a regular basis, are you really divorced? Or have you just freed the narc to move on to the next victim while still allow the narc to bring devastation and chaos to your life? Did you really divorce? Or did you just in fact double the narcs supply? Tough questions that deserve honest answers that only you can judge.

If you are strong enough to have the goal of getting out permanently, you will be the only person with that goal and you have to be resolved about that. You will be the only person involved in your case with the goal of getting out of the legal system for good. But that is most definitely a goal worth fighting for.

Your life is worth it. Your kids life is worth it. You are worth it!!

Even your own attorney will deliberately do things to keep the conflict going and make you forget your true goal….to get out for good. After all, if everything is resolved they no longer have work and the billable hours stop.

I can tell you first hand that attorneys are pretty unsympathetic when it comes to billing. Often times they will get clients and quote a very competitive price to get the initial business. They will say and do whatever they need to get that initial retainer. Because once that’s paid, you are hooked. They know they have you. Any legal problems you have, you will call them and they will be happy to come and save you….almost!

Some people will not change attorneys because they cannot afford to. Other will change and be pulled into trying to find a lawyer they can trust. This does not exist.

So you are stuck in the bottomless pit of constantly needing and being billed by your attorney or being in between lawyers or fighting the narc without counsel and paying a bigger price because of it.

Because once you let them in, their goal is to find and book the after work.

Lawyers are just like vampires. They can’t come in unless you invite them.

I have seen the most intelligent people refer to their divorce attorney as their friend. They crawl into the trenches with this friend for years and years fighting the narc together and paying the hearty price tag that goes along with doing so. Well, I am here to tell you….friendship is free. If you are paying someone you call a friend there is some amount of deceit involved.

Since you are the only person with the goal of freedom, you must be your own advocate. It is very easy to believe that since you have an attorney, and they know the law, they should tell you everything you need to achieve your goal as quickly as possible. Right? Wrong! Their goal is after work. Your goal is to stop the billable hours with a final divorce. You are fighting in the same war, but you do not have the same end game. Do lots or research. Ask lots of questions. And document everything, not just between you and the narc, but your attorney as well.

I did not understand this early in my divorce process. So I told my attorney exactly what I was afraid of happening in the divorce. I told him my concerns thinking he would be better positioned to help me. I was wrong.

For me, it was important that the process was quick and did not require me to attend court all the time. My case ended up exceeding the Supreme Court rule of 18 months. I had to attend every status date because he created an environment of distrust. But it was far from that. My fears were used as powerful weapons against me by the hand of my own attorney. The greatest opponent in your divorce is you. The narc is in your own head. He knows all of your fears and will use them against you if you allow it. The best helping hand you will ever receive is at the end of your own arm. Be your own best friend.

Get rid of the lawyer and the narc as soon as possible!

Fuel to the Fire

A Narc is someone who has adopted and acquired narcissistic personality disorder. This disorder is not like anything else. This person is not sick or a victim of a disease and, in most cases, cannot be cured, changed or healed. A Narc is pathologically preoccupied with the portrayal of personal power, importance, adequacy and influence at all cost and is incapable of seeing or acknowledging the destructive damage they cause to themselves and other people in the process.

The two common symptoms of a Narc are:

  • Incapable of empathy or genuine feelings of their own
  • Exaggerated beliefs of self-importance, entitlement and admiration to mask beliefs of self- loathing.

There are many symptoms but these are the two I want to focus on in the context of this blog. We all have issues. But the difference between healthy people and narcs is the ability of healthy people to have genuine emotions or relate to others on some emotional level. Some people are better at this than others. But understand that a true narc does not experience emotions, but they are experts at mimicking them.

A person can exhibit arrogance or entitlement and not be a narc. A narc uses this pathological exaggeration as a weapon against anyone who denies them the power, importance and influence they need. Healthy people do not go around destroying other people. That is the distinction.

 

The divorce process is a very emotionally heart wrenching experience for healthy people, especially if children are involved. However, a narc does not have emotions and will use their ability to mimic emotions to convince lawyers, judges, family and friends that they are the victims. Do not be surprised by this. After all, they are very convincing and at one point they were very effective at convincing you too. But that’s not your fault.

Do not be fooled by the fiery narc rage.

Rage is deeply embedded in their personality. This is not an emotion.

I thought for years that the person I was married to had a problem with anger. Lots of people have issues with anger.

I thought he could just get help with the anger, maybe take anger management classes or counseling. Then I started to think about this from a logical perspective.

Everyone struggles with anger at some point. But there is a beginning and end to it.

When I am angry, it is usually about something in particular. My anger can be resolved by a change….. a change in my behavior, change in my perspective or change in the situation itself.

With narc rage, there is nothing that can resolve this. Because it is not based on emotion. Even doing exactly what they want or ask will not relieve narc rage. In fact, in most cases this only fuels the fire.

A narc does not have emotions so you cannot appeal to them for the sake of sorrow, remorse or grace.

Healthy people will have limits and boundaries of what they will and will not do. A narc has no limit.

They are quite literally capable of anything, except feelings. In the process of fighting for power, importance, adequacy or influence they will hurt anyone in the process. The faster you are able to disengage with the narc, the sooner you can move on with your life. The narc knows this and will fight to keep you engaged for as long as possible because this is the source of narcissistic supply they need.

Know your opponent.

Take time to write down the issues you have had between you and your narc over the years. What did you argue about then? Chances are these issues have not changed and will not change. How can you resolve them because I guarantee the resolution you come up with will be far better than anything a judge will. You do not want your life to be left in the hand of the judge in a trial.

Practically speaking, this means always asking your attorney and knowing what the issues of contest are.

Do not let time go by without you knowing what the narc is claiming they want.

If you have kids, know what you WANT to have in a parenting plan and what you NEED to have in a parenting plan in order to live in peace without contacting the narc and live with freedom for you and your kids.

I wrote a parenting plan early on.

But be careful with this one, because the parenting plan I wrote was modified to say many things I did not agree with in the end.

That’s right!

I was forced to endure 18 month of the divorce process, when we were already separated, all joint accounts were already closed, there were no significant assets to divide and I had a parenting plan written from the very beginning.

It’s better to be happy alone than to be unhappy in bad company.

I Divorced A Narc and Survived

My biggest dream was marrying the love of my life and living happily ever after.

This became my most painful nightmare when I realized I did not marry the love of my life, I married a narc.

It took over a decade of my life to get myself strong enough to leave the marriage. This was my deepest fear…….divorce.

I barely made in through the divorce between my parents as a teen. I didn’t think I would survive my own. Through my faith in God and the support of some pretty incredible people, I realized that my deepest fear could be transformed into the greatest victory of my life……FREEDOM!!!!

I have read several blogs and posts about having a relationship with a narcissist. Most of them are filled with horrible stories about how the narc took advantage of them and used the legal system to do so.

It clearly describes the destruction their actions has caused in the lives of the people around them. If you are going through this but you do not know anything about narcissism, you may think you are the crazy one. In that case, reading those blogs may help you and encourage you to educate yourself.

However, narcs feed off of their destruction. They read those blogs too!!!

So writing the destruction in a blog feeds the sick narc supply they so desperately need. I won’t do that. If that is what you are looking for, stop reading this one and move on to the next site. This blog was written to share my experience, victories and defeats, in an effort to help the healthy or healing people make better choices.

So the first thing I can say about surviving this terribly challenging process is this…. Learn what it means to be narcissistic.

The more you understand the traits they all possess in excess and the more you understand that this person will never change, the better you will be at using these constant actions to free yourself.

The fact that they cannot and will not change their behavior is your saving grace.

If you are able to focus on the fact that this person will be consistent and their actions predictable, instead of how incredible horrible the action is, the more effective you will be at completely severing all contact with this person and moving on with your life.

SEVER ALL CONTACT!!!!

That is the only way you will be able to survive, thrive and live the life you deserve for yourself.


However, I am also compelled to tell you upfront that the longer you have lived with the narc, the more they have actually taken up residence in your life and your heart and mind, the more vulnerable you are at actually looking like and sounding like a narc yourself.

Don’t be alarmed and don’t be ashamed. You are not at all like them!!

Once you finally break free and surround yourself with other positive people, the reflection will start to fade and you will become more and more of the loving, caring, passionate, yet sensitive person you were before you met the narc.

It takes a very strong person to make peace with this and overcome it to move on a live a healthy life.

You cannot be consumed with what people think about your journey. It’s your journey, not theirs. It is impossible to understand the destruction of a narc, unless you are or have been the target of one.

Bad News: Because of this, the narc WILL be able to convince a boat load of people that you love that YOU are in fact the narc. That will hurt…… a lot.

Good News: They won’t however, be able to convince THE PEOPLE WHO GENUINELY LOVE YOU.

THOSE will be your people. THEY will be the people who deserve a place in your future. The people who love you won’t ever leave you or turn their back on you. TRUE LOVE PERSEVERES.

So, dig deep within yourself and find solace with who you are as a person. Love yourself and love the people in your life who will love you back and you will make it out just fine. Then you too can declare, I divorced a narc and survived.